Fun Stuff

Here you will find some fun stuff!

Speeding Mini

A bloke in a mini 850 breaks down on the motorway. He's standing on the hard shoulder, scratching his head, when a big Aston-Martin pulls up and its owner offers to tow him to the next service station. So they tie a towrope to the mini, and off they go.
Five miles down the road, a Mercedes overtakes the Aston, and its driver, striken by road rage, forgets he's towing the Mini and stamps on the accelerator. The Merc and the Aston hare down the motorway, neck and neck, at about 150mph, with the poor terrified mini owner beeping his horn and flashing his lights.
They pass a Traffic Policeman, who clocks their speed and radios into his station. "Sarge, you won't believe this - an Aston and a Merc doing 150 neck and neck with some loony in a mini trying to overtake them both!"

How big a Mini fan are you?

In a hotel room, Jim Morrisson is in one corner with the rest of his band;
in another corner are John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison and Ringo Star - all are naked. Monica Lewinsky walks in, drops to her knees in front of Jim Morrisson and begins to play the pink oboe. She swallows nicely then starts on his guitarist, bassist, then his drummer and the keyboard player. When she's finished, she licks her lips and wanders over to John Lennon and begins to do the same to him. At that moment, there's a huge crash and Michael Caine smashes through a wall in a Mini-Cooper. He jumps out, grabs her by the scruff of the neck and shouts,
"Oi, you're only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off!"

Tall Tales and True

Hi, due to the embarrassing situation I find myself in I wish to remain anonymous. The truth of the matter is my 1100 Mini is so powerful that I have become a target for would be boy racers. I have tried everything to detune her 'come and get me and I’ll kick your ass' motor, but to no avail. We always manage to see off everything that tries without actually trying. I even swapped some of her plug leads around and even removed a plug completely. Ran her on turps.... still no joy. All until one day that is....with three bags of cement in her boot, 2 lawnmower plugs and a Sunday Mail rolled up and stuffed up her exhaust pipe, We finally met our match. He moved up next to us, exhaust growling so menacingly and gave the signal.... and in an instant he was gone! We gave chase but he was nowhere to be seen. And so we returned home, smiling, as I too, had now experienced the sweet taste of defeat. And as we turned into the driveway she coughed and died. I felt sorry at that moment, for the way I had treated her, so I lifted the bonnet - perhaps to put a plug or two back to restore some of her pride. As I leaned over I noticed a restriction in the air filter... Shit, how did that GTI Suzuki get sucked in there.

You Know You're a Mini Enthusiast When ...

  • You always park facing down hill
  • The Bloke at the parts store;
    gets a silly grin on his face when you walk in
    is listed as a dependent on your tax form
    sends you a get-well card if you haven't bought a part
    for two weeks recognises your voice on the phone
  • You buy a parts car and not even you! believe you will wreck it.
  • You get into a car and are surprised;
    when all of the instruments work
    you can carry on a conversation without shouting
    by it's not needing oil, brake fluid, coolant......
  • You get into a car and are NOT surprised by;
    a spare battery
    a tool kit that fills half the boot
    a slightly singed instrument panel
  • You actually like the smell of WD40.
  • You call RAA and THEY recognise your voice
  • You look under the bonnet and see;
    more duct tape than hose
    more electrical tape than wire
    more oil than metal
  • You tell your wife/partner the reason you were out to 3AM, is that your car broke down and she believes you
  • The people you live with are no longer bothered by sitting down to dinner, and sharing the table with carburettors
  • You pay more visits to the parts store than to the petrol station or supermarket.
  • You entertain your closest friends in the garage, and they find nothing unusual in your choice of venue.
  • Your car makes a funny noise and you know at once;
    what is wrong how much the part(s) will cost what tools will be required how long it will take to repair.
  • Your Generator dies, so you just pull one off the pile in the garage.
  • You distrust any one named Lucas.
  • You believe that Lucas' first name is "F***ing"
  • You wash your hands before working on your car so you don't get the engine compartment dirty.
  • People ask you how many cars you own, and the answer contains fractions.
  • You plan 4 hours for a trip - 3 for travel and 1 for repairs.
  • Any discussion of a trip contains references to break-downs.
  • When getting ready for a trip, you pack more supplies for your car than for yourself.
  • You supposedly bought the car to attract members of the opposite sex, but no longer have the time or money to go out on a date.
  • You know about the hole into the 4th dimension in the engine compartment that swallows 1/2" X 9/16" spanners
  • You know that:
    A "Bonnet" is not a lady's head covering
    A "Hood" does not cover the engine
    A "Spanner" does not span anything
    A "Boot" is not footwear for cowboys
  • You return to your car in a car park, notice there is no oil underneath,and immediately assume the sump is empty.

The ten commandments according to Mini

(With apologies to the Christians amongst us.)
  1. I am the Mini, thy car who has delivered thee out of the hand of the JapBuzzbox. Thou shalt have no other cars before me.
  2. Thou shalt not make for thyself any graven images of Holdens, nor of Fords, nor of Mitsubishi; Thou shalt not bow down to them or serve them, for.the Mini is a jealous car.
  3. Thou shalt not take the name of the Mini in vain, even though they forsake thee and send thee no parts.
  4. Remember thy oil changes, and keep them faithfully. 3000 Miles shalt thou drive and do all thy errands, but then shalt thy Mini rest and have its oil changed.
  5. Honour thy 1/2 inch spanner and thy Phillips screwdriver that thy Mini's days may be long in the land of the living.
  6. Thou shalt not kill Mini's by driving them in to the ground.
  7. Thou shalt not commit adultery in the back seat, lest thou hurt thyself, for it is far too cramped back there. And remember ye the benefits of reclining bucket seats.
  8. Thou shalt not steal engines from Toyotas.Diahatsu or any other, for use in Mini's, for this is an abomination.
  9. Thou shalt not bear false witness about thy Quarter mile time .
  10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbours Cooper S , nor his Clubman GT, nor his Minisprint, nor his Jem, nor his Moke, nor any Mini that is thy neighbors. Thou shalt fix up thine own instead, and make thy neighbor covet it.

Mini V's BMW

This guy in a Mini pulls up at a red light next to a big B.M.W.
The guy in the B.M.W. drops his tinted electric window with a "look what I got" expression on his face. The guy in the Mini drops his tinted electric window with a "so f****ing what" expression.
As a comeback the B.M.W guy pulls a coke, covered in condensation, from his chilled drinks cabinet, smug faced as ever. So the mini man reaches for a glass an pours himself an ice cold, low alcohol lager from the pump on his dash and takes one of those lingering "ahhhh!" sips.
The B.M.W. driver points to his bonnet and says "3.5 litres of the finest German engineering there mate." Mr Mini replies with a point "The very best of British there me old china, Rover v8 rebored to 4.2 litres, twin turbo's & NO2!" Beamer starts to glide up and down as he says " Seats! All electric, calves hide, heated and colour matched to my wife's eyes" The dude in the Mini laughs and says "Same here, only mine also fold flat and vibrate for when I've got your Mrs. in here!!!"
As Smart-arse in the B.M. opens his mouth to reply, the lights change, and the Mini turns into a speck on the horizon. The furious B.M.W. guy races to the most expensive garage he can find and, foaming at the, orders the mechanic "Rip out the back seat and fit a water bed, no make that a transparent water bed with tropical fish in it, better still, marine fish and a wave maker!" and as the mechanic looks at him, slack jawed and goggle-eyed, he walks off muttering to himself about "poxy Minis" and "I'll show him" sort of stuff.
1 week later, the water bed's fitted and the proud owner is sloshing around town hunting for "that Mini".
He spots him in a car park with the windows all steamed up and the mini gently swaying. He wobbles to an unsteady halt next to him, leaps out and start to bang on the Mini window, which opens an enquiring 1/4 of an inch, and he starts to rant on about his new addition "Look! Look, I've got a water bed and its got fish in it and they've all got names and it's got waves..." At this point he pauses for breath as he's starting to hyper-ventilate, and a voice comes through the crack in the window "Did you get me out of the bath to tell me that?"